Like having to look at yourself in the mirror at 2am after being steam rolled by the flu haven’t showered or brushed your teeth in days kinda aint pretty. Doing the work of demolition ain’t pretty. You wake up in the middle of the night because your heart aches from the pain. Crying over the reality of what is compared to what you dreamed it -whatever “it” is – would be. Wanting to remain in fetal position because your fight response has run away with your flight response and you can’t move because you are terrified and angry at the same time. Emotions you never thought could exist simultaneously are somehow co-existing inside of you. In the same moment you find yourself able to chuckle for a moment at something you watched or read you in the next moment shame and hate yourself for allowing yourself a millisecond of laughter.
The way that I’m writing this grammatically incorrect formulation of sentences into paragraphs because if I don’t it won’t be written at all. And I will not correct myself. You know why? Because demolition ain’t pretty nor are the feelings we fight trying to make it seem like everything is alright in our lives. I just want to let you know these hours, these days, these weeks will happen. Allow them to happen. Don’t make any major decisions. Allow the thoughts the memories that you want to escape to come but also allow them to leave and flow.
This is the process of demolition in personal life, You are one of the few brave enough to do the work of demolition. Telling yourself the truth about yourself and saying good bye to the untruths that you once identified yourself with. It hurts! I’m scared! Tell yourself the truth about what you feel about moving further away and distancing yourself from the beliefs that gave you comfort at one time.
While you lay in fetal position there is something inside of you that knows you can’t stay there forever. This is the transition. Grab some pillows and punch them. Bury your face into a pillow and scream. This is not a bad day. But it doesn’t feel or look good. Celebrate. You are courageous and strong and more brave than most. More of these days will come because your understanding and accountability will multiply. and you will grieve but you must speak kindly to yourself. That must be your tone continually as you adapt and move into this new healthier space. Your old voice and tone cannot come with you. They must also transform and transition. You will no longer accept what isn’t healthy and good for you in the long-term. We are not in survival mode anymore. We are in live long and prosper mode. The discomfort feels unbearable. Stay still. Let the thoughts come and allow them to go. You are in control. You are well on your way to a much better version of yourself. These days will happen. This ain’t pretty but your results are worth it.