My heart aches. I refuse to admit that it doesn’t because it only prolongs the pain. Musical reference. There will be many to come. This post began because of a song that began playing on my playlist. The artist is Morgan James and the song: “You Thought Not”. Then I played the song on repeat. Then I sat in my chair and began to cry. I thought I was over the pain of the abandonment of my wife and the attacks from her family – the flying monkeys – it’s a psychological term, I promise. And the other attacks, the ones that I put on myself. But the tears were a surprise to me. As one tear followed the other I thought oh my God. I’m still grieving and I told myself it’s okay. And it is okay. The lyrics played on,
“I gave you all my love
I thought it’d be enough
You used me, used me up…”
“We used to be a good thing
I used to think you loved me
You were the sky above me
Or so I thought
We used to be a good time
You took me for a long ride
I thought about forever
I thought we had a shot
But you thought not”
I refuse to deny that my heart aches because I refuse to live a bitter life. In demolition you request quotes from different companies. In that quote you want a detailed report of what will be demolished and at what cost. That is the job of an estimator. They do a walk-through to evaluate the level of work involved. They take inventory of a structure or property as it is not what it’s going to be. If the estimator just looks at images without being on site you will not get a complete or thorough proposal or quote because they are only seeing what’s on the surface.
Many people will angrily express “I’m not angry” as if it makes them weak or flawed. But in the process of demolition in life. The more radically you accept the condition of how you feel about a matter the better your recovery and healing will be. In turn, the better outcome for your future.
What happens when we live in denial of how we hurt can’t be better described than in Erykah Badu’s, “Bag Lady”.
“Bag lady, you gon’ hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold on to
Is you, is you, is you…
I know sometimes it’s hard
And we can’t let go
Oh, when someone hurts you, oh, so bad inside
You can’t deny it, you can’t stop crying
So, oh, oh, oh
If you start breathing, yeah
You won’t believe it, yeah
You’ll feel so much better, so much better, baby
Bag lady
Let it go, let it go, let it go, let it go.”
Be truthful with yourself. It hurts like a pain you never could imagine. Some thought’s may surface that inflame the pain. Maybe you think to yourself like I do “How could I have been so blind?’ How could I have been so stupid? Please know that because you feel that way does not make them true. I feel stupid for allowing what happened to me – to happen. But I will not accept that I am stupid but that I simply feel that way. I ignored blinding red flags before I got married. So yes, I feel stupid. People always say to follow your heart which is exactly what I did. But no one ever talks about the truth that your heart can be treacherous.
I mustered all the strength I thought I had to get myself to this keyboard and I thought this was going to be brief. Fooled myself. But I guess in summary what I want myself to know and what I want you to know is allow yourself to feel however you feel but be aware of the danger of accepting those feelings as truths even on a subconscious level.
Be your own estimator in evaluating the condition of your heart. Take a walk-through and evaluate carefully. Cry when you need to cry. But remember, we are about moving forward and creating a life for ourselves that we love and are willing to fight for. So play the songs, cry the tears but only in an effort to gain the strength we need to demolish the parts of our being that hold us back from moving forward courageously.
Until the next time, I wish you peace a safe space and good rest.