Also known as all or nothing. It is a way of thinking that can create peace for the people around you but it’s also a way of thinking that can land you in a mental institution. Don’t be offended. I can testify to that truth personally. For those of you who know me from Linkedin I created ByCharlesDoyle.com it was my attempt at innovating a new way for businesses to communicate with their employees. The goal was to be the Hallmark of card companies for the hard conversations businesses need to have with employees on the inside. I was impressed with what I accomplished and I still believe in that concept. The sad truth, as I experienced it, is that most companies are to cowardly to acknowledge fault or even approach conversations that while difficult could be the key to an employee continuing to give their all. Where am I going with this? All of my communication tools, my cards, my website was designed in high contrast black and white. I had several reasons for doing that. It leaves a lasting imprint on the memory and it doesn’t have to compete with color. And my thinking was that when it comes to displaying compassion and empathy there should be no gray area. I still believe that to be true. I don’t yet believe black and white thinking in that area needs to be demolished. Everything must be continually reevaluated.
Black and white thinking however is a belief where the whole house must be torn down. I now see it as a pursuit in perfectionism. A root cause of procrastination. The cause of the lack of understanding in relationships. For instance say you believe love is always kind. I don’t think that is incorrect thinking at all. I believe love should always be kind. However, when someone you love does something unkind does that mean they no longer love you? Of course not. Now we won’t go into the nuances of what they did that was unkind. Each of us has to determine what we will and what we won’t tolerate. Remember although we are grown we still have a child to care for (see the blog: “That Child Belongs To You”). For me -and I had to grow to this point – that being cheated on was beyond my ability to forgive especially when there wasn’t even an apology or any evidence that my soon to be ex-wife even wanted to continue our marriage. In full accountability I will say that my all or nothing way of thinking did contribute to the demise of our marriage. I see and accept my roll in that. I don’t accept that I was so horrible – let me quit while I’m ahead I don’t want to be petty. But no, I did not deserve what I received. That is not black and white thinking – That is growth.
My favorite color is orange. I love it because it is a color that encompasses a wide range of emotions. I can see calm and relaxation in it and I can see furry. I can see comfort and warmth and I can see zesty momentum and energy. I find it funny that I love orange for those reasons but my thinking eliminated room for range of expectations.
Something else I love is long distance drives in the rain, during the day or noon and I am surrounded by gray. The gray road ahead touches the bottom of the water-filled gray clouds. I have always loved long distance drives in the gray. So why did I eliminate it from my thinking? Between black and white there has always been gray. It is where our room for understanding ourselves and others lay. Gray is where forgiveness lives – I have to think a little bit more about that one. Maybe forgiveness originates in the gray and then progresses to its completeness in the black or the white. But I also understand gray is where uncertainty exists. That is a real cause for fear. But if we allow our understanding to expand between the all or the nothing the black and the white and allow it to coexist with uncertainty we can make fear a friend instead of an enemy. Imagine that for a moment. All of the magnificent things we can accomplish making fear a welcome friend? I don’t know about you but I just gave myself chills.
Earlier I said that black and white thinking is a belief where the whole house must be demolished. But why can’t there be three houses? One for all and one for nothing and one great big beautiful house where gray is in between them both. All, is where we put all of the things we have concluded that matter to us and nothing is where we place the debris from the destructive thoughts that no longer matter or serve us. Gray is where we put the uncertain things, the undecided things, the things we hope for that have not yet come to fruition, Our judgements – temporarily.
Don’t you feel greater relief knowing that gray is good. It will help beautify relationships and most importantly. It will help us to grow and become resilient and not just exist but to thrive.
I concur. Gray is beautiful.
Those are my thoughts for the evening. May you have an abundance of peace and I wish for you that your hope grows with every moment you rest your mind. Until next time.