The way suicidality manifests itself in me is that everyone else’s life is worth more than my own. I will fight a good fight for you. But I’ll think about defending myself. I’ll want more for you than I will for myself. I remember saying some things that I was later told were hurtful to my family members. My thought process was how could I possibly hurt you? I’m worthless. Friendships were very easy for me to disconnect from. If a friendship lasted it certainly wasn’t because of me. It wasn’t me making the phone calls, sending the texts, arranging to hangout. When confronted about my actions – or lack of – I couldn’t understand for the life of me why anyone would be upset. There’s a whole world out there for you – what and why do I matter?
I’m getting anxious now because it’s 1am EST and I haven’t taken my night medications. I will – soon. For whatever reason this is what popped up in my mind to write. Maybe because I’m still trying to understand myself. Not gonna try to do that tonight. I guess what I want you to know is that right now your life is more important to me than my own. I am still in that phase. As this journey continues I want you to be aware that my view will change. My view of my own life will change. I don’t ever intend for it to change to the point where I think my life is worth more than yours. I am just working for it to be equal to yours. Is that fair?
As ironic as it is – me struggling with suicidality and all. I believe with all my heart every person matters. As crazy as it is I actually love people. It is never hard for me to find the good in someone. It will be interesting to look back on this blog post at a time when I value my life as much as I value yours. I imagine I will be proud of this post. I also imagine I will have no regrets about writing this post. But guess what? I’ll only know if those things are true if I continue to live.
And so it goes. I will see you tomorrow. Until tomorrow, may you have peace of mind and may your self-talk be kind.