Numb.

I think it was less than 18 hours ago. In the last post I was telling you how I had a great time with friends. That feeling of guiltless good times has worn down. I don’t want to bring you down with me. But this is the reality we have to fight through sometimes. I would never lead you to believe my life is great and wonderful all the time. I don’t even think I’m strong enough to make that sales pitch. And it’s not who I am.

I feel tired. I feel my brain scrambling to find something to be motivated by. There’s a feeling of restlessness. There’s also tension in my upper back and neck. I don’t feel angry, I don’t feel happy, I feel somewhat anxious. The best way I can describe it is numb. Did I already confess to you my guilty pleasure? Playing solitaire with The Golden Girls in the background on HULU. Those are my girls! My mom taught me how to play solitaire over the telephone while I was in the hospital. It is a comfort.

I did think to myself you’d understand if I didn’t show up at all. But how long would it take me to recover from the promise I made to you and to myself – that I would see you tomorrow?

I hope you are having a better time than I am this evening. I also need to make a mental note that this is the first time I’ve eaten a piece of meat – chicken – in over three months. Could that be it? I’ve been a cross the borderline vegan and strict vegetarian ever sense I watched that documentary: “What The Health?” They did a couple of case studies over a two week period of time. So I figured, eh two weeks isn’t bad. What’s the harm? There was no harm. Except that I couldn’t stand the idea of eating meat again and I was loving the home cooked whole food vegan meals I was making for myself. What discounts me as vegan is that I engage in milk chocolate candy every Wednesday night – it’s a thing. And I occasionally use a pad of butter. You know there is a part of me that feels disappointed in myself. I was feeling alright before I indulged. I think this is a physical and mental side-effect.

I imagine I could also title this blog sabotage. There was a little voice in my head kindly calling my name and suggesting I close the refrigerator door and walk away. I didn’t listen to myself. I think you helped me identify why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling. I notice also, my self-talk had been harsh. I know a few things I whispered to myself was unkind. I won’t repeat them so that I can get back on track.

Whatever you tell yourself when you have setbacks are thoughts and not the truth – please remember that. You will feel this type of disappointment as a result of sabotage. We need to ask ourselves why would I deviate from a course of action that I was enjoying and made me feel better about myself? Feeling good about ourselves in some small way is a type of healthy high we are unfamiliar with. We are familiar with the self-bashing that is the unhealthy familiar space we’ve been taught to accept and believe. Remember the feelings, the physical side-effects you experience. Remember it does get better than this. Visualize, as I will, getting back on track. Back to a place where you feel good about yourself. Remember what you didn’t like about your setback. Make a resolve within yourself not to deviate from a wholesome path again. Show yourself grace and kindness. And remember that tomorrow is another day you get to prove to yourself that you are worthy. Commend yourself for the good work you just did right now.

Thank you for being there for me while I made this discovery. I couldn’t have done this without you. Well I am going to give in to the calling of my bed, The Golden Girls and a few games of solitaire.

Until tomorrow, may you have peace of mind and may your self-talk be kind.