After a moment to think about this. To spoon feed or not to spoon feed my story. There’s a lot to unpack. No one can reach their destination while staring in the rear view mirror. So in short bullet point form I’ll summarize my life. I can feel a lot of self doubt arise now. Why am I doing this? What’s my point? Keep quiet. Who does this matter to? I am caught in a whirlwind. Pause.
Breathe. Feel. Tension in my left shoulder underneath the blade. tingling on top. What is it you want to say? Let it go. I am furious and I don’t want to be bitter. I feel like I want to release streams of tears. headphones on my head but no music plays. I will not jeopardize my integrity by nailing down the details of who hurt me, when and how. It’s too much. I thought writing about it would be harmonious with the space of what I want The State of Demolition to be. Maybe it’s not doubt that holds me back from speaking the truth but my integrity. Here the bar is set high. We do not retaliate. Just as I’ve been hurt I acknowledge that I have also been the cause of pain to others. I have been the reason why others cry. I accept and acknowledge that I have also been the cause of hurt and pain. Is that what I’ve been struggling to find the words to say? I will not minimize my accountability by saying something like I’m imperfect, I’m human I make mistakes. that’s a given. It is an easy way to escape. If no fault is acknowledged then no faulty thinking can be demolished and where does that leave me? Where does that leave you? So, yes I was going to type up a summary of the things people have done to me but I’m no longer finding that necessary.
Left shoulder is still holding discomfort. It will go away. The summary? Just as I’ve been hurt. I know that I have done the same. I guess what I will share that you may or may not be able to relate to is my struggle with suicidality. I am safe I promise you. It is years upon years of self-loathing thoughts that made me want to take my own life away. It is perhaps a condition I will struggle with for the rest of my life. Hmm. It just dawned on me the “why” in why am I doing this. Why am I writing this now? Because this is the space where I get the strength to fight for the life that we all deserve to have. This is the space where I will build my muscle to forgive and, yes, forget. This is the space where I build the qualities unseen by the naked eye but that will make me a better man. This is our space. This is my truth. This is also the space where I loose my voice cheering for you. Is there anything more I want to say? Remember. The same amount of forgiveness you want to receive is the same amount you must be willing to give. That includes the forgive to ourselves.
Shoulder is still soar. but I feel relief. I am content. This will always be the most difficult part in demolition. Accountability. You are not the sum of your worst mistakes. We are so much more. Take flight. May you have peace until we meet again.