I just had a visit with my Primary Care Physician who I haven’t seen in the last two years. He asked me to catch him up on what’s been going on. He looked at me in disbelief. Then I found myself hesitating to say these words: “I’ve decided to fight for life”.
I hesitated because if I said it and didn’t live up to it that would make me a liar. I also knew in those few words that would mean there were many battles ahead and that this decision would be far from easy. He said to me: “if there’s anyone I know that can make a comeback it’s you.” Those words from that man were words at the right time. Then he told me to take a picture of my EKG. There’s something very powerful about seeing your own heartbeat on paper. In one of my visuals when I’m struggling I envision a flat-lined reading and silence. Just like what they show on the TV shows. But I did say the words: “I’ve decided to fight for life.” The hesitation before they finally uttered themselves out was also because I knew saying it would make it true. There is comfort in knowing that at any time you can choose your time. But now I have to find comfort in my decision to fight for my life and leave behind the old thinking that the world would be a better place without me. The truth is, life doesn’t have to be a fight at all. It can indeed be a dance.
I enjoy a good ‘ole two step at any random moment. So let’s dance. On the bad days the terrible days the mediocre days and the good days. We’re going to dance. Look at all you danced through so far. I can’t make this resolve for myself and be okay with that. I need you to make that resolve too. That you too have decided to fight for your lives. I need to hear you say it. I can’t hear you. You’ve decided to do what? Once you say it there is no going back on your word – that’s not what we do. Let me know that despite the fear of commitment you will fight for your life and we will do it together. Let’s make that resolve to engage every ounce of subconscious and conscious strength within us. I need to know you’re with me.
Then make the resolve.
Until tomorrow, may you have peace of mind and may your self-talk be kind.
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